Stuff Yellow People Like

Asian American students confront stereotypes
By Clayton Norlen
The Daily Utah Chronicle, Tuesday March 25, 2008

Stuff Mentioned:

1. Speaking English
2. Talking about being Yellow
3. Architecture
4. Challenging Stereotypes

Yellow People created a lot of things.  We created paper (and subsequently, the best use of paper before the Internet came along: pornography), spaghetti, poetry, gunpowder, dim sum and a whole bunch of other awesome stuff that I’m just too lazy to look up and/or verify right now.  Yellow people also created civilization (even though in Western schools we’re taught that the Sumerians did - they just xeroxed the blueprint after we booted them out of the shining gates of Nanjing) - so basically what it comes down to is that we’re pretty tired of creating all this cool stuff to not only have it copied but then to add insult to injury, to not get any credit for it.

So now, the thing that Yellow people love to do is copy White People.  Yellow People copy all kinds of White stuff these days.  I mean, if you’re reading this site you can tell we blatantly ripped off the idea from the site stuffwhitepeoplelike.com - because we thought it was awesome and try to prioritize what we rip-off in order of awesomeness.  But this site is just the latest in a LONG string of Internet ripoffs - check out Baidu.com, a blatant rip-off of Google.com and now the #1 search engine in China.  Or Xiaonei.com/Zhanzuo.com which is almost design-for-design copy of Facebook.com.  In fact, Web 3.0 will mostly be an attempt by Silicon Valley to understand enough Yellowese to start copying back some of the ideas that were stolen after this wave of innovation.

But before the most recent string of website ripoffs began, we had the Japanese economic growth of the 1980s.  If you or your parents were downsized (or rightsized/re-engineered/left-sized/kicked in the nuts) in the 80s/90s, you know what I’m talking about.  Basically, the Japanese came to the U.S. - saw that we were a bunch of unionized fat-asses making cars out of duct tape and french fry fat (our fact-checker is on vacation so don’t use this in any engineering plans), went home and used their keizen karate shit and brought the U.S. to its knees.  White People manufacturing basically never recovered (visit Detroit for evidence - make sure to visit the home of Eminem to see exhibit A of White People passing on the copying favor to Black People while you’re there) from this onslaught of copying (and improving) and that’s why today Toyota sells you your car and Sony sells you your TV and all the Wal-Mart crapola you’re sitting on the watch it is imported from Yellow People factories.  This could be wrong - but economics is pretty low on the list of awesome things to copy and we haven’t gotten there yet.

Let’s not forget piracy - which is just copying without paying.  Yellow people have taken piracy to a whole other level amazing-osity.  If you have ever been to Silk Street Alley in Beijing and seen the miles of Louis Vuitton bags for under 10 dollars, you’ll know what I’m referring to.  DVDs of unreleased Hollywood movies are also available in any alleyway in Shanghai - you might have to watch a grainy video with some Yellowese subtitles and people laughing in another language (is that even possible) - but you’ll be the coolest kid on your block when you show your friends the Phantom Menace two weeks before it comes out in theaters (don’t take that advice to the bank).

The sands of time swirl and spin and civilizations rise and fall (I just copied that turn of phrase from somewhere on the Internet - unattributed - SO SUE ME) but I don’t see a reprieve for White People anytime in the foreseeable future.  Maybe four score and seven years from now, in a land where my people can be free, our children can live in a world where we won’t judge them by what their country can copy for them, but what they can copy for their country.

Leave us more examples of Yellow people copying White people in the comments.

If you ask Yellow people to describe the great accomplishments of Yellow people culture, some will say the “Great Wall of Yellow People Land” or “Writing” or some may even say “Yellow People” (we consider ourselves to be pretty damn awesome).  However, one accomplishment that all Yellow People (yes, all gazillion of them) as a whole will agree on is that all these great accomplishments were but a preview of our most recent foray into racial awesomeness: bubble tea  (two other things that Yellow People agree on is that career formula (doctors > lawyers > engineers > your real dreams) and playing piano for eight hours a day when you’re five counts as fun time).

Bubble Tea was created in Taiwan around the 1980s and is referred to by many names including “boba”, “neu-nai tsa” and/or “boba neu-nai tsa.”   As with all things that command religious fervor, Bubble Tea quickly schismed into many variations (snow, frosty, milk) but Yellow People generally agree on a few tenets of Bubble Tea Orthodoxy.  These basic truths are usually that bubble tea is made of black tea with condensed milk, tapioca balls and drank through a wide straw with a colorful plastic lid.  However, the benefits of one Bubble Tea type over another should not be examined too deeply amongst a crowd of Yellow People as it ranks up there with Taiwan statehood as a hot button issue.  Yes, your Yellow friends who normally wouldn’t utter a peep during a Victoria’s Secret party will all of a sudden burst forth from their coccoon like a tightly wrapped steamed dumpling and begin arguing the finer points of a sugar beverage.

Yellow People have mastered the art of Bubble Tea in the same way that White People have mastered the art of coffee - and when we say “art” we primarily mean ripping off the aspirational middle-class into paying way too much for what might most optimistically be defined as an oral experience (not that type of oral experience - you’re sick).  However, inside a bubble tea store, instead of Paul McCartney albums and copies of Cranium, Yellow People most likely have a karaoke machine with the latest songs by Mariah Carey and an old dilapidated copy of Chinese Checkers (or Chinese Chess, depending on how classy the Chinatown is).

If you want to be extra Yellow, remember to ask for a bubble tea with soy milk substitute.  This will show your empathy with other Yellow People, as many of them are also lactose intolerant.

The person who made this diagram probably learned how to do it after four years at MIT.